“I don’t really understand things.”

We haven’t talked much on the blog about Ron Johnson, Senator of Wisconsin. Wisconsin being literally near me, and dear to my heart, we’ve spent a lot of time on the destructive reign of Scott Walker, the intellectual horrorshow of Paul Ryan, and even some on the quisling nebbishness of Reince Priebus. They are sort of the Big 3 in the new era of Wisconsin politics: ruthless hyper-capitalists with zero respect for the state’s progressive traditions, who think any hint of community is communism. But we’ve ignored the Senator, who defeated the great Russ Feingold in the catastrophe of 2010.

That’s because he’s…well, he’s pretty dumb. He’s one of those “I’m good at business so let me screw over the poor” kind of guys. He was perfect for Wisconsin in 2010. Honestly, the most remarkable thing about him is that he’s the head of the Homeland Security Committee, which could be shorthand for just what a stupid and unserious party the Republicans really are. Anyway, he smuckered together some words today about global warming, and you’ll never guess: it’s a hoax.

“The whole climate change debate gives, and there are all kinds of quotes from adherents of and promoters of climate change, the reason they’re doing it is it’s such a great opportunity to control, you know, pretty much, government, and control your lives,” Johnson said Monday, onthe Glenn Klein Show on the WRJN radio show. “There’s an arrogance of power there that they’re utopians, that they really think they can create heaven on earth, and where it’s failed in the past, those people like Stalin and Chavez and the Castros, the nutcases in North Korea–by the way, if you want equal results, go to North Korea, you have equal misery.”

This is really the greatest thing ever. “All kinds of quotes” is a fantastic way of saying “I really don’t have anything to say.” It’s pretty Trumpian. But what makes it great is that he is stating that “adherents and promoters of climate change”– like it is a circus act; step up and see the melted wasteland!–  have admitted they are doing  this to control government and your lives, “pretty much.”

This is great conspiracy stuff. He’s not entirely sure what the conspiracy is, and is unsure enough about it that he thinks the people behind this decade-long, massive conspiracy just have a bunch of quotes about it, but he knows it exists. It’s like he pieced it together from a bunch of Bazooka Joe comics after Joe started listening to Alex Jones.

That’s pretty basic, but what makes Ron Johnson a real Ron Johnson is when he uses that as a segue to sound deep. It’s not even that he equates a “not hellishly warm dessicated planet with shrinking arable land” as a “utopian” (and godless) plot. It’s that everything he knows about the world was clearly divined from skimming Guns and Ammo covers at the Oshkosh J.C. Penny’s. “Well, let’s see, I mean there are bad people like Stalin, for sure. He was sure bad. He explicitly tried to create a heaven on earth, right? This isn’t going too far is it? Not at all. Oh! I know: Chavez and the Castros. And the whatsits in North Korea. Dammit, I can’t remember their names. Kimchi Song or whatever. That’s fine. Oh wait- North Korea! I have a great line about this. It is clearly irrelevant, but it sounds good. It’s the only thing I have to say about North Korea. Better wrap it up, time for a DHS meeting.”

Anything else? Any other way to sound like an idiot and lie at the same time? “First of all, the climate hasn’t warmed in quite a few years. I mean, that is proven scientifically. So, that’s why they’ve changed the terminology from global warming to climate change–that covers everything.”

“First of all, the climate hasn’t warmed in quite a few years. I mean, that is proven scientifically. So, that’s why they’ve changed the terminology from global warming to climate change–that covers everything.”

It’s a perfect combination of dumbbell paranoia, half-understood concepts, complete misdirection, historical hysteria, and stammering ignorance. He’s not even cherry-picking data points to mislead. He has the cherries dropped right into his mouth, like a chicken staring into the rain.

Feingold sending this halfwit into a Beloit drivetime talk show host retirement is going to be beautiful.

*Actually, I forgot the other great Ron Johnson moment, when he sued the Adminstration for forcing him to use Obamacare, which could cause, and I quote, “reputational and electoral injury”.  A unanimous 3-judge panel rejected it out of hand, basically reminding him that he could turn it down. Judge Flum said, and you could hear his eyes rolling, “We do not see how Sen. Johnson‘s reputation could be sullied … by being offered, against his will, a benefit that he then decided to refuse.”

This is what happens when rich businesspeople go into politics. They are sure that all their idiot ideas are golden, even– especially– the absolute stupidest ones.