Programming Note

Moving forward, I promise to spend less time on Trump, and more time on geopolitics, international relations, and, hopefully, literature and science and Great Lake diversions and cool stuff like that. Maybe more time spent making fun of Thomas Friedman, which is the lifeblood of any blogger. This blog wasn’t supposed to just be about the dirt of the campaign, but there’s something about the single-worst nomination in the history of this nation that’s just, well, gripping I guess, in the way that the mountain speeding toward the window of your cockpit has a certain fascination.

A New Definition of Hell

cxpmny1mgquhk5pc3pdt

From The Guardian, about Ted Cruz’s very bad day.

“You’ll find out tomorrow,” the Trump supporter said. “Indiana don’t want you.”

The Princeton alumnus and champion debater tried to engage. “The question everyone here should ask … ”

“Are you Canadian?” the voter asked, to titters from the crowd. Then: “Where’s your Goldman Sachs jacket?” an allusion to the employer of Cruz’s wife.

Always a lawyer – and one who has argued successfully before the supreme court – Cruz tried a different tack: an appeal to civility. “If I were Donald Trump, I wouldn’t have come over to talk to you,” he said. “Sir, America is a better country … ”

“Without you!”

“Thank you for those kind sentiments,” he said. “I respect your right to speak but I’m also going to say in America we are a nation that is better than anger and insults and cursing and rage. And I believe the people in Indiana have common sense and good judgement and want real solu – ”

“Woo! Vote Trump! Woo!” the voter screamed, followed by others in the crowd. Cruz spun on his heels and walked away.

Hell is not other people, per se. Hell is having to watch Ted Cruz, whose only applause line lately has been to paint transgender rights as nothing more than a crossdressing Rocky Horrorshow of his putrid imagination, pretend to care about civility as a way to lecture a hooting semi-literate Trump supporter, whose only knowledge of issues regard Cruz’s birthplace and his wife’s old job.

Being stuck in a loop of that is worse than any portrait of hell that the most Joycean of old Irish priests could ever dream up.

Game of Thrones, Contested Conventions, and the Death of Surprise

(SPOILER ALERT: This post contains spoilers for last night’s Game of Thrones, and for last season’s too, I guess, although if you pay any attention to GoT it isn’t really a spoiler, which is sort of the Point…)

(ALSO SPOILERS for Walking Dead and Mad Men, but at some point, come on, you know?)

(IMPORTANT NOTE: I promise this isn’t some Maureen Dowd-like piffle-paffle, where “Donald Trump may think he’s Tywin Lannister, but he’s really Lady Melisandre. I get paid millions for this. My brother’s writing tomorrow’s column!” It might not be any good, but it won’t be that.)

The last scene of last night’s Game of Thrones was the Red Lady attempting to resurrect Jon Snow, the erstwhile hero killed in last season’s finale, using what seemed to be the laziest spell ever (basically cutting his hair and saying, like, “hey, come back to life” in a magic language. It seemed really easy, honestly). At first, it seemed like failure, and Lady Melisandre and Snow’s allies left in despair. But then…panning over his prone body, a rush of air, a gasp, a convulsion, and an opening of eyes. Cut to black. What was dead is now alive.

Holy cow, right? That’s bonkers. Except that everybody watching the show knew it was coming. There was no way not to. From the moment Snow was killed last summer, all speculation has been on how he’s coming back to life, and when, not if. There were elaborate theories about his parentage and how that ties everything together, meaning he can’t be dead dead. There were people spotting him near the set. Kit Harrington’s haircut was parsed with a sort of Jesuitical ferocity for clues as to his role. Almost before the credits rolled on his death scene the internet was, collectively, sure he’d be back.

And so what could have been an interesting, if not mind-blowing scene, was only watched to see if the showrunners were going to make it interesting or if they were going to much it up. There was absolutely no suspense, and that is through no fault of their own. The writers and directors did as good a job as possible, I suppose, making us think he might be fully dead. But they knew that we knew he wasn’t going to be.

The creators of Cartoon Networks’ mind-bendingly brilliant Rick and Morty talked about this problem in an interview with the AVClub last year. As Dan Harmon put it:

I think that’s a really remarkable thing about today’s TV audience. You cannot write payoff-based TV anymore because the audience is essentially a render farm. They have an unlimited calculation capacity. There’s no writers’ room that can think more than 20 million people who can think about it for an hour a day.

Harmon was being complimentary, and said that for some shows it was a bonus, since they could focus mostly on jokes and characters, and the audience would fill in the plot. They’d even get credit for references they weren’t making. (“‘Was this a that reference?’ And I always want to answer them like: ‘Why, would that be cool?'”).

But for a drama, that can be a real problem. There is little room for surprises, especially in huge, world-building shows with legions of devoted fans. Smaller shows like Better Call Saul or Fargo can have interesting twists, but the only way for huge shows like GoT or The Walking Dead to do so is to jerk around the audience.

The way art is consumed has changed entirely. There has always been a weird relationship between creator and consumer, with an alchemic interplay, but in some ways the consumer has leapt in front of the creator. It’s not just mashups and remixes or whatever, but it is anticipation and analysis before creation. It’s putting people into corners, where they have to really stretch in order to surprise. That’s not always a bad thing, but it could be. In The Walking Dead, which was never really a well-written show anyway, the endless speculation about who Negan was going to kill meant that the only way to surprise was to not show who he did, and that didn’t turn out very well.

The artists behind TV shows, especially, have to create in anticipation of fan reaction in every corner, and have to deal with the hive mind that, as Harmon pointed out, collectively thinks about the show exponentially more than even its creators. No one really bought the “Don Draper is DB Cooper” theory, as fun as it was, because Matt Weiner wasn’t a “connect the dots” storyteller. But there was part of me that imagined that it was his plan, and then some jerk on the internet figured it out, and he had to change his vision to avoid being “scooped” in his own imagination.

This knowledge of what is going to happen reduces our capacity to be surprised, and really just heightens our innate lust of critique: we just want to see how well the story conforms to our expectations, and then rush to publicize our disapproval. Most of us I think do the same thing. My wife and I tend to talk more about if the showrunners are making the right choice or doing it well rather than if it was good or not, and if we don’t do so publically, our private conversations are no more generous to the spirit of artistic intention.

In a way, it’s the same thing with contested conventions. This feedback loop moves so quickly that, even in a contested convention, which we haven’t seen since 1976, every move is essentially choreographed in advance. We know which delegates are in play, and which ones aren’t Legions of pundits and people who actually know what they’re talking about have mapped out every scenario in advance. We know what parliamentary tricks Ted Cruz might try to use. The only drama comes in if he can do it well enough to work. But there won’t be any real surprises.

This, as much as anything, explains why the media and the public (and me) can’t stop talking about Trump. There isn’t a strategy or a plan. It’s terrifying, and that mentality would make for a horrible President (just as his instincts and personality would as well). But there is a certain thrill in not having any idea what will happen. We just know it will be monstrous and revolting and probably dangerous. But for many, that barely matters. Trump is the only unpredictable phenomenon out there. (Bernie is different, because while it isn’t totally predictable, he is sticking to the rebel script, to the detriment of his campaign and possibly his putative party. But more on that later).

I’m not saying that our knowing about Jon Snow’s resurrection is why Trump is winning. There are a lot of reasons, each one worse than the last. But a huge factor in his ascendancy has been the breathless attention being paid from the beginning. Much of this was valid; especially as his candidacy grew, it needed to be exposed as the dangerous sham it still is. But the reason for so much of the coverage is because it was wholly unpredictable, and in its own way, a true artistic enterprise. Not a good one; it’s a sick parody of Weimar porn, a clanging dissonant soundscape that reduced bowels to mush and drove people into mad syphilitic fits. But it was original, and for many, that’s all that matters.

 

Political Quick Hits

22cruz-master675

“Let me tell you about my grades…”

A) There’s nothing that better encapsulates the dark cynicism at the heart of politics than a campaign manager announcing how they are rolling out a new image.

“That’s what’s important for you to understand: That he gets it, and that the part he’s been playing is evolving,” Mr. Manafort said, suggesting that Mr. Trump was about to begin a more professional phase of his campaign.

“Well, we’ve got some suckers. Now we’re going to get a different kind of sucker.” I don’t think this works anymore for two reasons: we’re too plugged in, and enough people (though far from all) hear about these cynical mechanisms. Shooting bull with political pros isn’t the same anymore. Two, and most importantly, it’s nonsense. Trump has been telling people for decades that the incendiary style is just an act, but there has never been a single recorded instance of him being gracious or decent or even recognizably human. Part of his self-mythology is telling people that he can act any way he wants, and his sycophants have to do the same (“Mr. Trump is a master of controlling himself, the very best”) but he’s always the insecure idiot who fights people on Twitter at 2AM despite having a billion dollars and a smoking hot wife. The “this is just an act” is the biggest act of all.

2.)  Ted Cruz having to explain why he should get the nomination even if he doesn’t have the majority of delegates is going to be peak-Cruz:

  • Wrapping self-interest in the whiny squeal of self-righteousness,
  • Trumpeting his endorsements while railing against the “Washington cartel” while both lacking a hint of contradiction and possessing unbearable disdain if you can’t accept which argument he spins at any given moment as the Revealed Truth
  • Unbearable smugness when explaining the rules
  • That look he’ll give when he explains why he’s the popular choice, even though he doesn’t have as many votes. You know, the one that is so condescending, as if he just can’t believe that you won’t accept that what he is saying is literally the opposite of the truth.

In some campaigns, like in 2012, a candidate has to tack so far to the right to get the nomination that they can’t get back. That’s not Cruz’s issue. His problem is that to get the nomination, he’ll have to act like Ted Cruz, and there is no getting back from that.

iii) From the same article:

Stuart Stevens, the chief strategist for Mitt Romney in 2012, said that many aspects of the primary process — holding the first contests in Iowa and New Hampshire, for instance — would appear widely unpopular if posed to voters in a poll.“None of this tests well,” he said. “It’s like a bowling league. Do the rules of bowling make sense?”

Look, I’m not a heartland type, I guess, but aren’t the rules in a bowling league that whomever knocks down the most pins win? I don’t even mean this as a metaphor for Trump or whatever; I’m genuinely confused. I know that strikes and spares have somewhat strange rules, but not really, right? It’s a rolling reward for doing well. I don’t know if I don’t understand politics or bowling (or if, maybe, the chief strategist for Romney 2012 might not be a supergenius.)

In which we concede to germs…

Breaking! 

“You’ve been cleaning your hands all wrong. The World Health Organization recommends a 6-step, 42.5 second technique for applying hand sanitizer.” 

You know what, double that. Better yet, make it five minutes. Quit your job if you have to.

Congrats, germs! You win. No one has this kind of time. Even Howard Hughes would find it a distraction from his routine of growing his nails and murmuring. Hope you do a better job with the planet than we did.

Rogue One Teaser-Trailer Looks Pretty Boss

The new Star Wars trailer, the first of the standalone movies, was released. Or rather the teaser-trailer. The teaser for the trailer for the movie that is coming out in like 8 months. And you know what? I’m giddy.

Rogue One is the first movie of the seven that doesn’t revolve around the Skywalker family, about a young rebel girl tasked with stealing the plans for the Death Star while it is being built. It’s this information, remember, that allows Luke to blow it up in A New Hope. There’s an annoying klaxon that takes up seemingly 30 seconds of the spot, but other than that, it looks really tight. The young hero, played by Felicity Jones, seems suitably badass, and slightly broken (like all heroes should be). There are scenes of rebels being cut down by AT-AT walkers, the woman who plays Mon Mothma looks exactly the same as she did in Jedi (it can’t be the same woman- but it can’t be a different one, can it?). Forrest Whittaker is doing Forrest Whittaker things, but like, in space. They aren’t in the trailer, but Mads Mikkelsen and Alan Tudyk are apparently both in the movie. I’m down.

I’m excited about the plot, yeah, but what is most exciting is a better look at the galaxy, a glimpse into the lived reality of the Rebellion, and people living under the nascent and terrifying Empire.  There are people who complain that everything in the other movies revolves around the Skywalkers, sometimes through impossible coincidences, but that never bothered me. I like seeing huge stories told through a narrow scope, if it is done well, and I think the movies (4-7) do it well.

But getting into what it is like to have freedom crushed and drained, and to see the people who want to get it back, makes the galaxy more real. It is a place not of magical family ties, but somewhere where people live and die, and a few decide to do so on their own terms. I think the movies always hinted around this, and if done right, Rogue One can bring that fully to the screen.

And man, it just looks great. I love seeing the Death Star come together and the massive Star Destroyers look tiny as they float by it. I love that. I hope the movie has a scene showing the first person proposing the idea. “Well, I don’t think the people will approve of us spending so much building something so massive. Oh, shit- wait! We’re an Empire now. Let’s do it!”

In Which I Converse With My Dearly Departed Father About a .207-Hitting Muppet And His Son…

adam-laroche-1024

A scenario in which one can reasonably assume that the dead can interact with the living, but can’t get ESPN. 

Bob: Hey!

Me: Whoa! Oh, hey.

Bob: Isn’t it a little early for a beer?

Me: It’s uh…I don’t think…I mean

Bob: (laughs uproariously, in surround sound)

Me: (laughs uproariously)

Bob: So, how are our beloved White Sox doing? How do they look this year?

Me: Well…they’re the talk of spring training! Every news outlet is doing a story on them. Even People magazine!

Bob: Well, that’s great! They must have gotten some powerful lumber-wielders and slick leather-slingers to complement their already fearful coterie of flamethrowers. 

Me: Well…actually, it’s about a 14-yr-old boy.

Bob: …

Me: Yeah

Bob: I assume he’s some kind of phenom? A Griffey-esque prodigy who the suits at MLB won’t let play, due to some kind of rules against taking kids too early- a policy, by the way, about which I’ve been meaning to complain to Management, that we don’t have here. 

Me: Nope. Just a kid whose dad wants him in the locker room all the time. It’s sort of tearing the team apart. It’s all anyone can talk about. So yeah, big news. Big, big news.

Bob: …

Me: …

Bob: I gotta go. I’m having dinner with Groucho. 

Me: Oh, tell him I said hi!

Bob: Nope.

Fin

Bold Political Prediction

 

Marco Rubio

Via TPM

 

That’s the face of a soon-to-be-unemployed 44-yr-old with no real political prospects. This is what having zero real beliefs or ideals other than ambition and the lifelong desire to be the fetchservant of plutocracy get you.  You know, if it wasn’t for the know-nothing demagogue and the hateful theocrat, seeing Rubio, Jindal, Huckabee, Santorum, Walker, Christie, Jeb, Rand, etc be completely humiliated would have made for a wonderful year. But this is like seeing the Bears beat Green Bay twice in a 2-14 season when the Pack  still wins the Super Bowl. Some high points, yeah, but still the worst thing ever.

Regardless. Enjoy this.

“While it is not God’s plan that I be President in 2016 or maybe ever, and while today my campaign is suspended, the fact that I’ve even come this far is evidence of how special America truly is,” Rubio said.

I’m going to go with “ever”.

2016, Non-Political Nutshell

Re/Code has a interesting short interview with a professional “influencer”, someone who has mastered new media and has brands and companies clamoring for her to talk about them. There’s no snark here- these people work hard, understand the way the world works, and have created their own niche. Any curmudgeonliness that seeps through is due only to my inability to do any of those three. It’s just interesting how what even 10 years ago would have seemed like gibberish is now increasingly important.

Re/code: Hi, Taryn! Tell me what it is you do, exactly.

Taryn Southern: I’m a content creator, digital strategist and “internetainerpreneur.”[Ed. note: This is what it says on her business card.]

So what does that mean?

I create video content from development to execution to marketing. I do it for my personal channel, for media companies and brands.